Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
