you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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