Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize