I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
