i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Someone shattered a urinal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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