after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
