guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
