I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
