Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
