We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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