I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
