My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize