i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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