Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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