i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
