Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
