Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize