Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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