i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
