I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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