A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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