I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sober January is a disaster.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I need to align my fucking chakras
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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