there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
