watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
