Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
