I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
