i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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