I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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