Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
