Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
