someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize