I faked an abortion last night.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
