She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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