I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
