Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
