even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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