My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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