So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
