Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize