My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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