im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
