so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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