My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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