There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
two words...techno handjob
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
