i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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