I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
