So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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