i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
