you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
