Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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