I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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