You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
