so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
