it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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