There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
