So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
