I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
