you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
