Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
