She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
